im lost, alone, and feel helpless

when something wrong happens in my relationship i completely shut down i don’t let my feelings come out any other time and it makes me explode, i wake up wishing something would have taken my life for me because i know i don’t have to guts to do it myself, i feel alone with friends, family, and a good relationship. i constantly feel like something’s wrong with me when im not in the wrong, i feel like the spark in my relationship is dying because i just need him to listen to me instead of trying to fix it immediately. my head & feelings have complete control over me, i dont want to talk to anyone, i dont want to eat, i dont want to sleep, i just dont want to do anything, im on a constant spiral and feel like im losing at everything in life. i want to give up but what good is it going to do i feel guilty even thinking about giving up on everything & everyone.